Fans of old-time nautical industries are celebrating yet another government U-turn, after Environment Secretary Caroline Spelman caved in to public pressure and announced that the Diamond Jubilee Pageant will include a live demonstration of whale-hunting in the Thames.
‘Tens of thousands of people will be gathered to celebrate the Jubilee along the banks of our brownest river ,’ Spelman said at a hastily-arranged press conference. ‘And now they can cheer all the louder as we turn it a much more patriotic red.’
Spelman had faced a barrage of protest from the dwindling whalers’ union, angered by her apparent snub of their long-defunct industry. But now a Twitter campaign has borne the fruit of moaning one’s bag off, the group are keen to recreate ‘ye dragginge of a bloated corpse through London Towne, on bigge hookes’.
Spelman acknowledged that the Jubilee flotilla was a celebration of all the Thames’s rich history, and recanted her previous decision to ‘cave in to the politically correct’ as ‘fundamentally un-Conservative’. The minister has now embraced the plans wholeheartedly, going so far as to insist on ‘first dibs on the blow-hole’.
‘I’m sure my fellow Londoners will join me in piling upon the whale’s white hump the sum of all their general rage and hate,’ announced a sou’westered Spelman. ‘This is the sort of activity you can immerse your whole family in, if they remember to wear wellies. And a hat.’ With many of the capital’s youths disillusioned at the prospect of a lifetime of rioting or working in the financial sector, she hoped ’the spearing of a minke’ could awaken an interest in more traditional industries.
Forty thousand tonne of krill have been released from a breeding tank in Greenwich, with the hope of attracting an assortment of whales so the crowd can pick their favourite. Children will be encouraged to colour in ceremonial harpoons, boo the big fish and urge the plucky whalers on with rousing sea shanties. Tickets are selling fast, but there are still a few killjoys hell-bent on ruining the event for everyone.
‘Even Greenpeace have agreed to send an extra boat,’ insisted Spelman, ‘although they’re a bit reluctant to let us preview their banners. I know that a whale pursuit isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s still a lot more popular than a Jeremy Hunt.’
